I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
