Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
