i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
