I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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