If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize
