Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I woke up under a house in Key West
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