Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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