then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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