Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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