Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
