the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
