this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I've blown a few things in my day
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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