my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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