Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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