just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
