wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
