Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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