i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
