Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
