I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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