the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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