I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i think i just lost a toe
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
