You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
