So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
