Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
