Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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