Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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