you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
