almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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