I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
