My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
