My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
