grandma shit on top of the toilet
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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