please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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