So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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