Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
