The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I want her autograph on my taint
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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