Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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