also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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