one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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