thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
