I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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