I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
