thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just found a bag of teeth...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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