My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
