he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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