I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
