i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
