You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize