So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How's work?
Spinning.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
