My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize