I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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