yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
