there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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