I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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