the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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