it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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