I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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