I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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