hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
